This is going to be a tough one to get out but it is something that I need to do.
The night of June 28th 2017 started out like any other normal night. I went into work, as at this time I was the overnight mgr for the same big box retail store I have been with for a few years. My wife and I did as we normally do each night, texting back and forth as she got the kids ready for bed. Then I would call or she call me and tell the kids good night and I loved them. Besides our own 3 Kids, we also baby sat 3 kids pretty much the same age as each of ours. We were (are) good friends with their mom and grandma as I work with both of them. After she got the kids to bed she texted me and said she loved me and that she was going to bed about midnight or so. At 1:32 am (29th now) as I was in the back room putting cardboard into the bailer my phone rang. I saw it was my wife and I suddenly got sick at my stomach for some reason. As I answered I heard my wife frantically screaming that cass isnt breathing. (cass is the youngest of the 3 kids we baby sat at the time) I said what do you mean not breathing? Where is she? have you shaken her to wake her. My wife said Brad she is in her pack and play and I have shaken her. I started running to the front of the store, I said call 911 and Im on my way. as I got to the front of the store there was cass’s mom and grandma. I said there is an emergency you need to get to my house now and continued out the door. In the parking lot I ran by a police officer that was walking into the store, i rememeber us making eye contact as I ran by him. As I got in my vehicle I saw him running out of the store to his vehicle as the call had been put out. I flew by him as he climbed in his car, and driving home he could not catch up to me. As I got close to home I knew i had to pull in back as the front would be full of emergency vehicles. I pulled in the back yard and dont even remember putting in park or turning off car, but remember seeing a deputy just walking up to the door. He stopped when he saw me and I ran by him. When I got inside i recall plain as day seeing cass laying in the middle of the living room floor and a police officer doing cpr on her. I ran over and said loudly MOVE I know cpr. As I started cpr on her during compressions I was screaming her name “cass come back baby” CASS COME ON LITTLE GIRL, CASS”. During this frantic period something happened that haunts me to this day. Cass opened her eyes and looked at me, it was literally a look and smile, then she closed her eyes and she was gone.
I was a firefighter for 22 years and EMT for about 10 years of that. My experience i knew when I first saw her that she was already gone. But my humanly reaction was one that said no she isn’t. Even though the look she gave me haunts me, I feel that it was Gods way of saying she is ok, and he is truely in control. I believe this with all my heart and I know that it was completely out of my hands to bring this little angle back that morning, but I have this large feeling of failure.
Ya i know I have grammer errors everywhere in this. It has taken me about an hour and half to write the little that I have, ya know its hard to type when you have so many tears.